Have you ever had to break up with someone because you did not want to “settle for” the lack of love they were giving you? Have you ever had to nurse a broken heart because “the one” you wanted to love you, could not love you? We have all been there…………………………………………..
I just want to feel like you are the keeper of my heart, that you will keep it safe. I want to feel like you are the keeper my emotions, desires, soft places, and all the mushy stuff. I know, I’m needy when it comes to wanting you, but I can’t begin to tell you just how much you nurture me emotionally when you give me your highest love. When you refuse to shower me with your sentiments, I feel hopeless in love; weary almost. I then begin to accept in my mind that maybe no one can ever love me the way I desire or need. I crave a love so deep, that it surpasses the ocean’s floor. Maybe I’m lacking self-esteem and self-worth and the only healing is myself or Jesus himself. Maybe it’s too much to even ask someone to love me pass my fucked up state. Maybe that sort of love does not exist, or I am asking way too much. So, therefore my heart will be just fine under wraps and alone. It is safe that way. Expectations can’t disappoint my heart. I simply rather have nothing at all, than to settle for anything less than what I need.
I love you too much to give you the strenuous, yet awesome task. Even at my lowest, I can give you the type of love that will feed you. But, then the insecurities creep in and I know I am too much to handle. So, I run away to save you and to save me. I question myself, maybe I’m not loveable or manageable. Maybe I am too scarred. Maybe. But, maybe when I find the soul desired to align with mine………this rant would seem frivolous. Loving me would not be a stretch. But, for now I just want to exist inside the pain of not being right next to you.