Finding Your Purpose. (My Diary Of Transition)

by Justin Carney

I had the most enlightening experience when I took part in corporate worship about three weekends ago. I hide nothing from my Poets, so I must tell you that this was a huge step for me. I have not taken part in corporate worship in over three years after having a heartbreaking experience in church. I was going through a divorce at the time and to make a long story short; I was shun and made to feel guilty for deciding to move past my marriage. I was very fragile at the time and doing my best to nurture my three young children through the transition, which was no easy task. I was an emotional mess, I had so many feelings of guilt and relief. I was relieved that my marriage was over and finally ready to take on the emotional turmoil that assisted that decision. I felt guilty because it was no way to get myself or children through this without the pain of change, confrontation, and brutal honesty. After a sister and brother of a church told me I was wrong for leaving a man who is trying to hold his family together, I decided never to return. See, they witness my ex desperate to make a half ass, luster attempt to stop me from rebuilding my life without him. Little did they know, I was just a meal ticket. I was his cushion in his big, bad world that he did not want to face alone. Instead of building me up and seeing what got us to this place, I was told to shut up and take whatever he had for me. Even, if it wasn’t right.

I began to blame the God that I was taught to fear. I blamed the black church and Christianity for tricking me into a form of slavery. I blame my mother and every hypocritical Christian who believed a woman had no identity but to be a man’s wife. Even if he was eternally lost. Even if he had no idea on how to lead himself. I was not falling for it, religion no longer serve me or could get me closer to God. It seemed as the Christian agenda was something I grown to respect through obedience, but as a woman who life was about to be shredded to pieces….
It served little purpose. I was on a mission to discover who I was trying to be, who I was choosing to be, and who God was to me.
I left the black church.
I left all preconceptions.
I left my mother’s idea of who God was.
I left the hypocritical stance of any religion.
I research the origins of many religions.
I came to my own conclusion that God was a divine source. That God was beyond gender or human understanding. God was bigger than any “BOX” human have contained his vastness. God is the source of life, love, light, and nature. I found her in my intense need of nurture when my own mother abandon me because she disagreed with the love I found in a woman. I found him in the very sword I slayed evil principalities and demons with. God became more than pages that another human manipulated. I began to love people who hated me. I begin to live openly and boldly. I begin to find grace in everything. I prayed all day. I burned sage, honored my ancestors, and rebuked any demonic force that showed it’s ugly head. I found my purpose.

I am on earth to be transparent with my thoughts, beliefs, and love. I am here to encourage and connect. I am here to be a friend who listens and helps in any way I can. Do you know your purpose? Have you experienced something that destroyed ever thing you built just to find freedom? If you have, I know you have an inkling of what you was put here to do. I love you and thank you for reading my little old words!

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